You can't E2EE your life.
It's that time of the day, again! Where we try to bring cybersecurity back to reality! Today's episode of "You have got to be fucking kidding me!" is brought to you by... cybersecurity people creaming themselves because some FBI dude said something anyone with half a brain cell already knew: end-to-end encrypted communication is good, trying to backdoor encryption is bad. Take a victory lap if you're one of those! Tell the world "I've been saying this since 2022!" Go on social media and write "I told you so!" you beautiful, smart, big brained, visionary! I bet you're drowning in pussy. Here's your medal 🥇. Good job, buddy!
I mean, come on. These discussions about backdoors, weakening encryption, and other things governments, politicians, cops and spooks want to do to undermine your right to privacy are nothing new. You're not God's gift to mankind for having an unoriginal thought. But, all right. Let's talk about that a bit.
Let's start with some choice quotes from representatives from CISA and the FBI about telecoms being popped by Cyber Hurricane Ultra Ninja Elite APT State-Sponsored Salty Monsoon or whatever the fuck:
"Given where we are in discovering the activity, I think it would be impossible for us to predict a time frame on when we'll have full eviction," a senior CISA official [NB: Jeff Greene, CISA's executive assistant director] said.
"We're still figuring out just how deeply and where they've penetrated," the [NB: unnamed as of now] senior FBI official said.
“Our suggestion, what we have told folks internally, is not new here: Encryption is your friend, whether it’s on text messaging or if you have the capacity to use encrypted voice communication. Even if the adversary is able to intercept the data, if it is encrypted, it will make it impossible,” Greene said.
So, the United States' federal cybersecurity agency, the agency created specifically to help protect the United States' critical infrastructure, of which telecoms are very much part of, and the United States' main law enforcement agency pretty much went on the record to say 🤷, use Signal! Peace! ✌️
Here's the thing: Signal won't help you. As much as I love the app and Meredith Wittaker, having one aspect of your life protected by strong encryption that you control ain't gonna do it. Also, that's pretty fucking rich coming from the Feds. Because here's the thing: this battle was lost the second data brokers emerged from the asshole of Satan himself, and the powers that be were all "Yeah. I don't see a problem with that. Just some good, old-fashioned American entrepreneurship. Maybe we can use those services, too!"
Your car is spying on you. Your TV is spying on you. Your phone is spying on you. You take a step outside, you're being spied on. Your data is out there. Your whole fucking employment history, down to the bi-weekly paychecks. All there. And these companies DON'T. GIVE. A. SINGLE. FUCK. They will sell your data to anyone. And sometimes you don't even need to spend a single dollar: it's out in the open for anyone to grab. Whoever set up camp inside these telecoms CISA and the FBI are so worried about probably didn't even need to hack into these companies. They could just buy this data. It's not outside the realm of possibility to think that they did hack into these companies because, why not? It's not like it's hard.
Everything is spying on you, and you can't encrypt your life. No matter what the FBI or CISA have to say about it. What you need is to bring the fucking hammer down, and start throwing negligent people in jail. What you need is cybersecurity regulation with teeth. What you need is strong data privacy laws. What you need is to make keeping your data around such a fucking pain in the ass that companies will have very little incentive to do so. What you need is to flat out outlaw data brokers because the harm they do more than outweighs whatever benefits they bring. If they bring any benefit at all. But, sure, go on Bluesky to pat yourself on the back for telling people that secure communications are good. What a fucking genius insight! Here's your fucking trophy 🏆.
Write your goddamned representatives. Petition your government. Regardless of where you live. The right to be left the fuck alone is universal, but that means jack shit if you are unable to exercise this right. And tell the "I'vE bEEn sAyIng thIs ALL ALOng" crowd that stating the obvious changes nothing. I wrote both my senators, and my representative demanding action. You should, too.
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